The Man Who Was Never Really Good Enough

You know, I’m sick to death of it: my whole life — childhood, adolescence, adulthood — it’s all the same; online, offline, remotely, in-person — it’s all the same; I walk on eggshells to be inoffensive, I tell the unvarnished truth — it’s all the same. I’m hated or at best not really liked much, and utterances that would be considered totally unremarkable if someone else — particularly someone else with a more privileged social status than I — expressed them suddenly become grave offenses against the social order or something as soon as I’m the one who expresses them.

Deep down I’m a sensitive person, I have a conscience that gives me a strong moral compass and as often as not compels me to act virtuously, even to the point of going out of my way and making sacrifices in the interests of being a good person. And what’s my reward? What is my honor for all the sacrifices I’ve made? Literally nothing, other than bullying and cruel insults. Take this example: I outline the sacrifices I made, the burdens I took on, to care for older family members during my youth, only to find out today that none of that matters, because I failed to do the requisite lie that it was all sunshine and rainbows instead of what it was — a burden on me that was a real trial to bear. For telling the truth I’m branded a cruel psychopath whose sacrifices don’t really count; for telling the truth, I’m revealed as someone who didn’t really care. My time, my labor, my character…it’s all worthless.

Not that it matters: like I said earlier, even if I walked on eggshells to be inoffensive people would still heap hatred on me, either by finding some other pretext or just making up some offense whole-cloth that has literally nothing to do with anything that happened in objective reality. This sort of thing happens to me all the time, and has for literally my entire life, from early childhood. I’m just never the “right” sort of person to be allowed into the club; I’m just never the sort of person whose sacrifices really count for anything; I’m just never the sort of person who deserves any credit for any virtue I show. And like I said earlier, I’m sick to death of it.

I get no credit for the good I do in the world and for people who frankly don’t deserve such kindness. “Toughen up!” you might say, “You’re too nice!”. Well, that would be good advice…were it not for me already having tried it and found out that when I am less nice people hate me even more! It gets me nowhere! It’s not like I get no credit for doing good and also no credit for doing bad, it’s not like I’m ignored across the board; that wouldn’t be so tough to bear. No, I’ve always occupied an even crueler station in life: the man who gets no credit for the good he does, but also is ruthlessly punished for the slightest deviation or the most insignificant failing, as if everyone is just lying in wait for some pretext to go “Oh, it’s just as I thought, Adamas Nemesis isn’t really good enough”, and decide they will henceforth leave me out of life and heap hatred upon me.

On the rare occasion I don’t demonstrate even the slightest failing or defect in their eyes, other people just make up one! They seriously do. Right up to the law enforcement and judicial systems themselves, which one might hope would be more fair-minded and circumspect about just blackballing people for no reason whatsoever. Nope! Like everything else in life, even that barest and most minimal expectation was too much to hope for! My last (and hopefully only) trip to traffic court was a miscarriage of justice., where I was framed for an offense I didn’t even commit. While this was an extreme example, this sort of thing happens to me all the time, and frankly I’m tired of being everyone’s human punching bag.

I’m smart, good-looking, and sweet-natured, but that’s just not good enough for people? Then damn them all, I say. There are days like today where I wonder: why not become a cruel psychopath? I kinda wish I could be such a person; if I’m going to be hated anyway it would be nice to feel nothing as I run roughshod over people. Alas, that’s not in my nature.

Nevertheless, the vast majority of the population have moral compasses much weaker than mine, and I can’t help but wonder if the masses realize just how warped their incentive structure for good behavior is. The Qin dynasty of ancient China had harsh laws to encourage correct behavior, including imposing a death sentence for anyone who showed up late for a government job, no matter the nature of the delay. When two generals, Chen Sheng and Wu Guang, were delayed by a natural disaster, they decided they might as well revolt against the Qin, since the punishment for revolt — death — was the same as what they were facing anyway. Their uprising paved the way for the fall of the Qin and the rise of the Han.

Moral? Don’t leave people who commit minor offenses with nothing to lose if they commit greater offenses. I can’t help but suspect that there will be real consequences to be suffered eventually, assuming that other people experience the same sort of mistreatment I have. But that doesn’t seem to be the case, does it? It seems that there’s a certain X factor that you need to be let into the club and be allowed to fully participate in society that the vast majority of our people have and I just don’t.

On the flip side, though, do we not see a general erosion in pro-social behavior and a general rise in truly psychotic conduct year after year, decade after decade? Perhaps the people I see out and about are unrepresentative of the legions who shut themselves inside and find their only solace in the digital world. Hmm…I wonder.

Even if the masses do start suffering some real consequences, I doubt they’ll repent for the errors of their ways, at least in any genuine fashion. What use is an apology when it’s nothing more than a master performance of contrition, going through the motions because the other person feels like they kinda have to? No, the normies can keep their wretched hive of scum and villainy they call a society; I only wish I didn’t have to participate in it to get anywhere or be anybody in life, because the truth is I deserve better than this.

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