Yes, I did it! After decades of being a drab brunette, I’m now platinum blonde. And not just any platinum blonde: a full Jean Harlow platinum blonde straight from Hollywood (literally: the salon I go to is in Hollywood and works on celebrities a lot). My colorist didn’t hold anything back, taking me over the course of one day from my natural shade to something much brighter, happier, and, yes, more fun. My stylist, who was a joy to work with, made me look super cute, blow-drying my poor little bleached hair forward and shaping my bangs to the point where I look like (platinum era) Billie Eilish’s long-lost Italian cousin.
Wow is all I can say: I look so totally Hollywood I really can’t take it in, even after a whole weekend to get used to it. Already I notice people paying more attention to me, a lot more heads being turned, and, most interestingly, people being much more forgiving when I blurt out something, express some authentic emotion, or ramble about a topic I have on the mind. Apparently if you’re a platinum blonde people expect you to be cutesy and even outright ditzy? I was always youthful and adorable, but this makeover has really turned the dial up.
Helps also that blonde is well known for being the most attractive and elite of hair colors; more attractive-looking people who fit conventional beauty standards are treated better, which I’ve experienced on my journey of focusing more on my physical appearance: all the self-improvement of social skills in the world hasn’t done as much for me as a few syringes’ worth of dermal filler.
It helps too that platinum blonde is about the only hair color that actually looks good on me; my natural brown color is just blah next to my natural light olive skin tone, and it makes my vivid green eyes look a lot browner (they could be characterized as hazel, but they’re much closer to green than to brown). It makes my face all look like the same drab color, and makes me look like some kind of “ethnic” person. But with blonde? My hair looks like it’s glowing, it complements my skin tone really well, and it makes my eyes pop out visually in full green splendor, to the point they look exotic. And “exotic” beats “ethnic” any day of the week on the attractiveness scale.
My skin tone has been darkening as a result of my tanning salon regimen, which had be worried that my appearance was getting too swarthy, but I trusted the plan, and as a result now the skin on my body doesn’t look too tanned at all. If anything it complements the platinum blonde hair really well, providing contrast in the beachiest of ways, not to mention the green eyes, which make even more contrast. The darker tone makes my face and body look a lot better and healthier anyway, for whatever reason. When going into the pool or onto the beach I sense my presence is more welcomed, from an aesthetic point of view. Certainly I like looking at the tanned legs, arms, and stomach better than the Venetian vampire look I had going before I joined the tanning salon!
Honestly I’m not as brown as I’d like to be, but I’m in a good place right now, and I can keep working on that.
The only aspect of old me I’m missing is my longer hair: about two inches had to be cut off to accommodate the bleaching process, and as a result I can’t see my gorgeous hair around me and feel it brushing my shoulders anymore, which is really just awful. But luckily we had a plan for that too: hair extensions. It’s a top salon, so they can do those too, oh so expertly; the extensions specialist even showed me what they had on hand as far as samples matching my new platinum shade went.
So I’m getting my hair extended, from about chin length (where it is now) all the way down to my chest, where it’ll rest as sensually as a model for a surfboard line (or perhaps a character from “Pirates of the Caribbean” hehehe). All Jean Harlow tier platinum blonde of course. It’s a bit of a bummer too that the hair really can’t take both permanent waves and platinum blonding: it just isn’t strong enough for both, since just one runs the risk of frying your hair. But lucky me, my natural texture is wavy anyway, and with the extra length it’ll have more than enough room for the waves to cascade down in a really striking way.
I’ll look downright luxurious…and that’s because I’m paying a luxurious price tag. All-in, the blonding and the extensions could easily cross the $5000 mark. Yikes. But baby, I’m worth it. My face, my body, and my vibe were wasted on being a brunette. From now on I’m going to look like a rock star. Talk about fun…
Even more fun will be looking like a model, which I would be in prime position to do…were it not for the state of my body. I need more tone, I need less fat, and I need it soon: I can’t take years to build up my dream physique, and even if I had them I just can’t stand to do gym workouts more than a few times a week for an hour or two at a stretch. Fortunately there might be a solution in the form of anabolic steroids, which allow you to get a lot more good out of each workout.
So help me, I went on the Dark Web and ordered some, and they’re on the way. Could arrive any day now. Once I have them in hand, I’ll be swallowing those capsules down the hatch, and I’ll see what happens: it’s an oral steroid, so the effects should be rapid, the half-life short, making the effects much more obvious than with injectables (which would be a dreadful chore anyway). It’s also a “wet” steroid, so my muscles should grow to be big and full; think a gladiator body, rather than the shredded look popular among bodybuilders.
Diet will be needed to get me to my flat-tummy weight, but the extra muscle should help with that too; it raises metabolism, and the drug will help shunt the extra calories toward building muscle instead of fat, not to mention possible benefits of making me more motivated to work out longer and harder.
I suspect it’ll be necessary to balance everything out. Could I achieve it naturally? Sure. My dream body is toned and muscular but in the subtle way of a hot actor or (better yet) an athletic fashion model, not a competitive bodybuilder. But practically I know without the enhancement of the drugs it’ll never happen for me; I just don’t have the energy or the discipline in me. And even if it did, it’d never happen for me in a matter of months like I want and need it to. So drugs it is. Let’s pray it’s good stuff and it works.
But can you imagine? Once it’s all finished, I’ll have a flat tummy with a toned full body, a deep golden tan, and platinum blonde waves cascading down to my chest. It’s all designed to go together, and I’m starting to think it really will give me the fresh start in life I’ve so needed for so long. Toss my hair, flaunt that body, soak in the rays, and have a good time as all my dreams come true…