Normie Bingo? Let’s Play

I know, this is probably one of my all-time sillier blog posts, but I recently came across a meme called “normalfag bingo”, which essentially checks off how much of a “normie” you are.

Ever curious, I decided to take a look and see how well I’d do, and I…eh…

Out of 25 squares, I can cross off a grand total of…7. So at less than a third of the total, I guess I’m not a normie, at least in the sense that the author of this popular meme conceptualizes it?

Let’s go through the list, starting from the top left and working our way across each row:

  1. “Moved out of parents’ home”. Uh…no, I still live there; heck, it’s not even my parents’ home, it’s actually my grandparents’ home. It passed to a parent and then to me; I’m currently the owner of the place. This either counts me as a success by this metric or a second-generation failure. But I’ll interpret “moving out” literally and not check off that box. It certainly doesn’t feel like I’ve established an independent homesite; I actually sleep in the exact same bed and the exact same room that I did when I was a kid, both of which were hand-me-downs from my grandfather right after he died (heck, sounds like the lead-in to a gothic novel…potentially awesome, but definitely not normie tier).
  2. “Played in a team sport”. Maybe? Depends on whether you consider partner dancing to be a sport, or a team for that matter, but I for one say no, so since I’ve never done any other team exercise that involves any athletic discipline whatsoever I have to leave that one blank.
  3. “Been on vacation or road trip with friends”. I’ve never gone on a vacation or a road trip with anyone who wasn’t a member of my family. Heck, I’m not sure if I’ve even ever gone on a trip with anyone who wasn’t one of my parents! The only other option I’ve ever had is solo traveling. Believe it or not I’ve actually tried suggesting to my friends to go on trips; just this past Christmas I offered to fly to Los Angeles to see it with my best friend after a bunch of her friends canceled on some plans they had there at the last minute, but she decided just to stay home. Some friend…I just never have any luck with anybody. I can talk, text, and maybe do a few things a few times a year they’d like to do anyway, but never anything really friendly like going on a trip together. About the only person in my life who ever asks me to travel anywhere together is my ballroom teacher…and I can’t help but wonder if she just wants that because she gets paid for it (I’ve never taken her up on an offer, so even if paid companionship counts, it’s a big fat nope!).
  4. “10+ friends who would come to your funeral”. I leave this one blank, because I can certainly name ten or more people who might notice that I’m gone from the places I frequent, but would they really come to a funeral? None of them can even be bothered to go to a dance venue in the same city with me that’s different from the ones they’d patronize anyway, even if I ask them point-blank and I’ve known them for years. It might be a bit dire, but I have serious doubts if even 10 people would really want to come to my funeral. Maybe that many would show up, but I don’t really have even one I could really count on to show up.
  5. “Been to a festival or concert with friends”. I’ve never done that either. People I know never even tell me they’re going to a concert or a music festival…but then again, I virtually never go to concerts or festivals, nor do I ask anybody about them, so maybe they just assume I’m not interested? Weirdly, some of my closer friends regularly just hand me their tickets if something comes up for a concert they were planning to go to but couldn’t make it; that’s about the only reason I know they go to them in the first place. They don’t want to tell me yet I’m the first resort to give their spare tickets to? Like I said, it’s weird. In any case, I’ve never actually gone to such an event with even one friend, let alone  multiple friends, so that square too must be left blank.
  6. “Have been called a good kisser”. I’ve never kissed anybody, so that one is most definitely a blank. I’m planning to get the full hot date experience in Amsterdam next year, though, so in a matter of months I might be able to cross off that one.
  7. “Get compliments regularly”. Actually, I do. They never really go anywhere in terms of befriending me or asking me out on a date, but I am complimented often, certainly much more so than the average man is as I understand it.
  8. “Can make conversation easily”. I have no trouble introducing myself, finding topics of discussion, or engaging in a back-and-forth with another person. Often the other person just flat-out doesn’t want to engage with me at all, either just ignoring me or giving answers as dull as they are perfunctory, but that’s really their problem. When I find someone I actually vibe with the words flow out like plenitude from a cornucopia, and we both come away having been enriched by the experience. This is even more true when I have some cortisone or alcohol in my system, especially when I converse with people who are willing to engage but just don’t click like, say, me and my best friend do. Making a deep enough connection to form an actual friendship is what I struggle with; nevertheless, conversation is easy for me, so that’s one box I can check off.
  9. “Held at least one birthday party”. My parents had a couple actual birthday parties for me as a kid where some other kids came over, and one of my friends once threw a surprise birthday party for me as an adult. Otherwise I’ve never had any birthday parties. The language implies it’s asking if I’ve organized my own birthday party, which is kinda strange, since I don’t think most normies do that; at least none of the ones I know of do, with the exception of the closest thing I have to a role model, but she’s a girlboss who owns an event planning business, so of course she’d organize her own party! Nevertheless, this one is a blank. I’ve never done that.
  10. “Go out most weekends”. Yep. Any weekend when I can find a good social dance party I head out. Box, checked.
  11. “Went to prom and had a date”. I never went to a high school, so I never had a prom to go to in the first place. Definitely a blank box.
  12. “Use social networking sites and apps”. I guess so? Most of my social networking site and app activity is by this name you see on this website, which is a pseudonym, but I do also have accounts under my real name that I post more personal things to (selfies and the like). Never got much mileage out of them, but it’s early days yet; I’m in fact planning to ramp up my content production drastically once my makeover and relocation is completed.
  13. “Lost virginity”. Ah, the big one, the sun in the center around which all the normie bingo squares orbit. This supreme achievement of normiedom has always eluded me, by simple dint of wanting the loss of my virginity to be a special experience with a special person, and the circumstances just never lining up for that to happen for me. Now that I’m almost 30 I no longer feel comfortable waiting to find a beloved, and will instead get the virgin experience in Amsterdam next year. So this one is a blank now, but in a matter of months it will be crossed off.
  14. “Had a relationship that lasted at least one year”. No? Arguably for the years when she was with me my best friend was less friend and more girlfriend, but since so many of these questions are about sex I’m leaning toward leaving this box blank, since it never progressed to the sexual level. It also doesn’t help that she’s married, so even if I did count it as a relationship I’m not sure if that would help me on the normie scale. Aside from her I’ve never had anything even vaguely resembling a relationship.
  15. “Tagged in photos with girls”. No? I’ve never had a whole group of girls go out of their way to tag me in photos where I happen to appear. One girl, yes, but not the plural form, at least not to my recollection; and it’s always in portraits we deliberately took together, not random snapshots like at a party or something. So I leave this one blank. Really, though, very few normies have whole groups of girls fawning over them on social media, so the inclusion of this square strikes me as odd.
  16. “Had at least five sexual partners”. Another odd choice. Five isn’t too far off from the median lifetime count of sexual partners, if surveys are to be believed; forget being a normie, having five by the age of 20 or 30 puts you on the brink of being in an elite class. Yes, really. Anyway, I leave this one blank because I’ve had zero sexual partners. When in Europe next year it would certainly be possible for me to bed four more girls after my count reaches one, but would I even want to? Eh, we’ll see.
  17. “Parents are proud of you”. Last I heard, yes. Check off that box!
  18. “Not fat; in good shape”. Though I would like to lose some more, I don’t have nearly as much blubber on me as most people I see out and about, so I can check the “not fat” box. As for shape, I’m in not nearly as good a shape as I’d like to be — just ask my ballet teacher about that! — but I definitely do outlift, outendure, and even outflex the vast majority of people I see in my exercise and dance classes. Weirdly enough, I’ve even received compliments as to how good I look, but with the caveat that I’m not nearly as strong as my physical appearance would suggest. Makes me wonder if I should take up bodybuilding after all. But anyway, I can check off this box of normie bingo.
  19. “Have had sex in a public place”. Uh…normies do this? Another weird inclusion. Anyway, no sex so far, so I have to leave it blank. And even when I’m planning on having sex next year, it’ll be in a very private sort of place, so it’ll remain blank for a while yet…
  20. “Have tried recreational drugs”. Hmm…I make regular use of performance-enhancing drugs, primarily corticosteroids. That’s (arguably…) not medicinal, so by some definitions it would count, but most typically “recreational” connotes using drugs for leisure because you just enjoy the experience of being on the drug itself. That’s never described me, so I’ll leave that blank.
  21. “Rarely alone on birthdays and New Year”. Amusingly enough, my birthday and New Year are two times of the year when I usually end up alone, despite going out multiple times a week; either the days of the week for my regular outings don’t line up with my birthday, or the New Year parties aren’t the sort of event that I like. So I leave this square blank.
  22. “Had a girl say she loves you”. Nobody ever loved me that much. And unless my luck really changes when I fly to Europe or move west of the 101, it’s not going to be anything other than a blank square anytime soon.
  23. “Have had a job”. Hmm…no? I’ve run (very small) businesses, managed my investment portfolio, and done work as an independent contractor, but one thing I’ve never done is be an employee, which is usually what people mean by “having a job” (especially when normies say “a real job”). I know the owner of a dance studio I frequent who’s in the same boat; all she’s ever done is own and operate businesses independently. She’s never worked as an employee either. Would most people describe her as “never had a job”? Maybe not. But I still feel like “no” better describes me than “yes”, so I’ll leave this one blank.
  24. “Been to a house party”. Yes, actually. Not many, and certainly not regularly, but I have been to parties that people hosted inside their own homes. When you have some good music and some friends to dance with it’s really fun, especially if it’s at a location you’ve never been to before (I remember going out to a horse farm once…that was cool; stayed there well past midnight too).
  25. “Picked up a girl from a bar or club”. No, I’ve never done that. The very few bars or clubs I’ve ever frequented had an extreme dearth of any girls attractive enough for me to even want to bother trying. And frankly I don’t like and can never get into what passes for “nightlife” in the United States anyway; what I’ve read recently of how nightlife works in Europe leaves me feeling like I might have a much better time of it over there, but eh…I don’t know. Also, how many normies even successfully pick up girls at bars or clubs anyway? My honest impression is if you can do that regularly you’re veering into elite territory.

So there you have it. I get a normalfag score of 7 out of 25. If we use the maximally inclusive definition of these squares, then I could check off “played a team sport”, “10+ friends who would come to your funeral”, “held at least one birthday party”, “had a relationship that lasted more than one year”, “tagged in photos with girls”, “have tried recreational drugs”, and “have had a job”. Counting all of those would put my score up at 14 out of 25…which is still just 56% of the total. Huh. Maybe I’m not much of a normie after all, contrary to all appearances.

Retvrn to Childhood? I’m already There!

It also strikes me that out of the boxes I can check off they all come off like the sort of thing a child could do. I wistfully pine for a “retvrn to childhood”, to go back to being the blond-haired green-eyed tan trim kid that played “SimCity” and “Need for Speed” all day, but when you get down to it I’m basically a big kid right now. About the only thing that really changed for me in adulthood was I had to  manage my own money and I get to chew up the streets of California with a real car instead of just simulating it. Huh.

Even my aspiration to find a group of true friends who could give me some real companionship sounds like some wish of a wayward boy who’s just been alone for too long, not anything most people would recognize as being all that adult.

Maybe I’ll feel better Soon?

Not that I ever really looked up to normies or aspired to be one, but looking at this chart I can’t help but wonder if this sex stuff might be even better for me than I think it will be. It eats me up, how all these other people get these dates and relationships. I feel like if I could experience it just once, and have a far better time with it than they ever will (let’s face it: top-level escort in Amsterdam is better than 99% of people’s marriages ever will be…), it wouldn’t eat me up anymore; I wouldn’t resent it. It was that way with my college degree program; I had a seething and ever-rising resentment for those who had bachelor’s and master’s degrees, raging at how I was consigned to the dung heap of “the white working class”, but now that I have my MBA it just doesn’t bother me at all anymore. Despite the fact that I’ve told only very few people that I even have one! Honestly, I suspect it’s improved the way I socialize with people in my circle. I know it sounds stupid and petty, but these effects are real.

I feel much the same way about these people hopping on these airplanes, going overseas, and getting these jobs and these bigshot businesses. If I could do all the sex stuff, plus all that, plus find myself an actual friend group…honestly, I wouldn’t be bothered by much of anything anymore. Add on having my child, which I can do on my own without a partner, and all that I’d really be left wanting to have is more money (for luxury, for influence, etc.). That’s a much simpler problem, one I wish was forefront in my mind. Perhaps, after I go on my European escapade, and relocate to the beaches of California, it’ll all fall into place and I’ll more or less have the life I want. In any case, I’m tired of waiting and tired of wondering; there’s nothing left for me to to but try it and find out. Let’s hope it all works out for the best for me next year…

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